I went to physical therapy for my recent back surgery today. Veronica hooked me up to electrodes for deep, low frequency stimulation. Which reminded me of the movie we went to see (Realm of the Senses) in Waikiki at the Kuhio theater about a Japanese couple that practiced auto erotica (hell, I didn't even know that was what they called "self asphyxiation for heightened pleasure"). Anyway, she wound up strangling him to death, cut off his privates and wandered around Nagasaki for a week...Whoa! ...Maybe I should ask Veronica to check the voltage on that thing I'm hooked up to...
I went to the neurologist today. The neurologist said, "Good news! It's a pinched nerve in your lower back." I said, "Why is that good news?" He said, "Because brains are harder to operate on."
I had an operation on my back in March:
The operation went well. Of course, Uncle Demerol was great. When the drip hit I was trying to remember what The Pink Panther’s Jacques Clouseau’s boss’s name was, Chief Inspector who? He had a noticeable twitch. Just before my lights went out, it came to me: Chief Inspector Dreyfuss.
Next, I woke up from deep space animation in the recovery room. I had on “compression hose” in the color people with varicose veins wear. The compression hose are supposed to prevent blood clots. Now I know why some women don’t like wearing panty hose…Can you imagine full length, waist high panty hose in the summer? Itchy…Yeeeooow!
Thankfully,
they put this heavy duty 12 gauge tamper resistant catheter in AFTER I
was anesthetized…
Over the panty hose and catheter, I wore a G suit for my legs with automatically inflating pockets programmed to stimulate blood circulation. There must be a danger of blood clots forming in the lower body that clog brain arteries and cause strokes. Hmmm…What next? Brain surgery?
I was like a hillbilly astronaut: I wore a yellow, bar coded ID wrist band, an IV needle stuck in the top of my left hand, a catheter in Herman the one-eyed German, space age pantyhose, UN Peacekeeper blue ankle socks, a G-suit AND a hospital gown that showed my entire aft section to the world. Now I know how the kilt wearin’ Scots feel…Hangin’ loose Brah!
The Dr. said the procedure went great. He cut off some of the vertebrae and trimmed the herniated disc to alleviate pressure on the nerve to my right leg/foot:
OR
Why
does that look like it should be on the grill?
USMD has good private rooms. I used up 3 dispensers of morphine (the nurses call it “the good stuff” : ) The next morning, the physical therapy people came and brought one of these walkers. My mind flashed to all the teasing I’d get if I showed up at work with one of those things.
The PT people said, “Prove to us you don’t walk like a mummy and you won’t have to use it.”
They took me for a walk down the corridor and back. I was:
Joseph Baryshnikov (without the cod piece)
